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sometimes i just wish i could cry for days
and weeks
and months
and years
and decades

everything that i feel just makes me sad. im in love with a straight man whos bitchy ass girlfriend hasn't allowed his friends to see him in over three weeks. im was also in love with the "idea" of dalton until the first thing he ever said to me was that i was ugly. and im still in love with rick.

obviously cupid fucking hates me. i dont know what i did in some past life to deserve all this. i must have been a completely heartless person in a past life or something to deserve all this heartbreak because i have no idea what ive done in this life to deserve it.

on the subject of jack my would be lover if he was gay and his girlfriend wasnt a cunt. i havent seen him since like the first five minutes of my birthday which was 3 weeks ago. i dont know what to do and i cant deal with it anymore.

on the subject of dalton hes incredibly INCREDIBLY hot. and i got drunk...like really really drunk. i guess im kinda a lightweight. so i sent him a message on facebook from my phone and said "your sexy and im drunk" and he replyed with "Your ugly and im sober"....so yeah thats as far as that ever got. I just can't believe thats literally the first fucking thing he says to me...EVER!

and rick. fuck i dont even know anymore. he was my first for EVERYTHING! He was my first kiss and then three hours after my first kiss i wasn't a virgin anymore. so yeah and we still talk and it sucks so fucking much because we talk to each other like nothings ever happened between us

god i just wish i could cry
sometimes i stop to think for a minute and all i want to do is fall to pieces. i just want to break down and cry till i have no feeling left and i'm completely numb.

Sometimes its over anything. Reading books about gay romance and how i have no one. Or knowing that i could really have someone i just try that hard because i dont want myself to hurt. Or that i fall in love with the wrong person at all the wrong times. Or that sometimes all i want to do is snap at people and wish that i didnt bottle everything up because i know its not healthy. But i can't do that i can't just snap and go crazy because thats not how im suppose to behave myself or some bullshit i come up with in my head.

So today i just want to sit in my room and cry and then i want to go break things.

Apr. 24th, 2010

If you're going to love me, love me deeply. If you're going to break my heart, then break it all. If you're going to care, care for me completely. If you decide not to hold me, then just let me fall. If you're going to stay, then stay forever and if you want to leave, then do it today. If you're going to change, change for the better and if you're going to talk, please mean what you say.

Apr. 15th, 2010

dear keri,

i wish i could hate you. i wish i could hate you so much that anytime your name comes up i become physicaly ill. theres only one problem. i can't hate you. your nice. your fucking beautiful. and you make him happy. your everything i wish i could be for him. i wish i could give him what you can. but i can't. but you can and thats why i can't hate you. you make him smile, you make him soft, when your not looking he gives you this look that sums up how much he cares for you and i die a little on the inside when he get that look in his weird eyes that are two different colors. i wish just once i could get that lookout of him but no matter how many cookies i make, how many sexual favos i offer (he think im just being funny but i would in a heartbeat), no matter how much everclear we both drink, no matter how many ciggarets i let him borrow and no matter how much i could give him. but i cant get that look he gives you. but thats okay because hes happy but just once for just one second i wish i could get that look and hate you. just once for one second thats all id need.

wishing i could hate you,

Jan. 13th, 2010



like you have no idea how amazed i am
i wish something like this movie was real
if in anyways i culd do what they in that movie i would do it
GO SEE IT NOW!!!!!!!!

cunt bucket

ok let me first start this rant of by saying that
however, my friends should indulge me in my crush

so i fucking can't stand my "best friend"
she is the biggest meaneast stupid giant two faced cunty bitch i have ever met!
to my real life friends this bitch would be stef
she is a giant hoe who can go fuck herself
she has tried within the last month to sleep with at least 3 guys who are not her boyfriend! coughJOSH,KYLE,DILLONcough

so she now has a boyfriend that ive never met
anyways today after we were walking out of our final(funny story about that final post that later) we see dillon of course
so i guess dillon can actually stand her (how i have no fucking clue)
and as were walking out she says to me and kara (another friend who also cant stand her)
so she says "is it terrible that everytime i see dillon that i wonder why i have a boyfriend?"

this rant is stupid but she can suck my balls


i just realized my standard are waaay to high!
i just got friended by this really nice guy on facebook and we talked for a while then i checked out his profile pic and i was like...........uh conversation over!
is that terrible?
i mean im all for the whole "you have a great personality" thing but if their hideous then does it really matter? thats terrible but the face gets their attention but the personality makes them stay!
im a terrible shallow person aren't i?

my soap opera of a life

so not much has happened with dillon since my last post
....oh eah except were on swim team together!
it kinda super duper awkward....but not because hes on the team or anything
its because i dont know anyone on the team since its my first time doing it
so yeah thats actually really fun i looove the workout even if i feel like im going to puke after 20 minutes

school sucks balls and im ready for college

so today was kinda awesome
i got up at nine to go to a coffee date that i wasn't super excited about
....because it made me get up befor noon
and it was with my best friends emily abbie and megan
and abbies older sister annie........who i always thought didn't like me
but then we were at starbucks for 4 freaking awesome hours!
and i discovered me and annie have tons in common and shes super cool
i guess she was just always this older cooler person who i could never be on he same level with
but i formed that opinion when was 8 and 9 yearss later its like were the same person
so i know have a collge friend

oh and ive decided im marring emilys gay cousin mac because hes adorable and i want to be her cousin
....so giving up on dillion?...ha no threesomes are hot ;]


fuck this!
i have a crush on a straight guy
well possibly straight guy
i catch him staring at me constantly
like loooots
why cant my school get more gay people?
and not lesbians we have enough of those
and theyre all fugly
we need hot sexy gay BOYS
so what to i do?
do i make a move?
do i just keep wishing?
do i tell him?
or do i just wait for him?

oh and did i mention he is beautiful?
like his eyes are made of melted chocloate
his hair is this beutiful earhty brown color
and it comes down in these perfect ringlets
ive never seen him have a zit or pimple either
and um definatly saw him stretching in his chair the other day...
um boys got the cutest belly button ever!
thats not creepy right